Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

ㅤ

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy