me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Truth
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.