me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*