Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.