me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
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I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.