Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
you have three unread messages
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast