Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Roombas should bark
10/10 no notes
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while