Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
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{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked