Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
You Might Also Like
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying