Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.