me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
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Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Said the murderer.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*