Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

#Caturday

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL