Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*