ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
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parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Short story
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust