Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”