Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
goldfish mafia
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History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”