Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
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Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The Friday File.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
oh my god
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week