Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
You Might Also Like
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*