Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.