Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

good news everyone

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

This meal prepping shit is easy

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I gave up going to work for lent.