Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

me, too, girl. me, too.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Good morning.