me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
I wish gyms had a “montage” option