Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.