Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”