me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
The second world war should have been called world war returns
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.