Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Wolves should really raise more people.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on