Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

Morning all.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*