Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

This guy gets it.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?