Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
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My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance