Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

That’s fair

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.