Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Discuss

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

My birthstone is a marshmallow

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.