Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

when you don’t want to be too vague

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.