Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats