Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!