Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
smartest karate player in the world
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
my fav colour is also hitler
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
