Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
*pronounces UPS like yoops
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.