me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
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{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
6. me as a lawyer
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Monica just destroyed the internet
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.