me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
People buying plungers never look happy.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
