Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

nice challenge

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?