Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.