me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My love language is hissing.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
mmm onion ringos
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
this is me
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.