Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”