Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

🥴

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?