Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.