Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
🙂🐾
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”