Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me