Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
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I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Does it…does it take 3 days
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company