Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.