Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Happy Halloween 🎃

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that