Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be