Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
that’s really how it is
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.