Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*