Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.