me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.