me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Am I having a stroke?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
even bears disappoint their mothers
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions