Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Sorry not sorry.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.