Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.