Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You Might Also Like
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
nyc:
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”