Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical