Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.