Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.