Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I’m already scared
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Math at Halloween.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage