Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Ron is short for Aaronald

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

#growingpains

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

I like long walks away from everyone

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*