Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

I’d use my best pan on you.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

Sticker placement is key.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.