Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

*watches the world burn*

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”