Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

I will never stop laughing at this

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

stand with me against insufficient seating

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”