me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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8
9
10
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90Me: Nailed it.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.