Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!