Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

Bobby pin

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.