Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

☺️

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.