Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

he chose this

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????