Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
selfie game
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button