Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
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Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?