Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

No one can handle that

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me