Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

I wish I were this cool 😂

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Sponch

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”