Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

u guys got any snacks onboard here

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.