Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

This is funnier than it should be. 😂